Young ,Gifted, & Alternative Black: Reclaiming Your Weirdness Through Your Inner Alternative Black Child

*All names have been changed to protect the identity of the individuals mentioned.

The Story of the Alternative Black Kid

I want to tell you a story about the time my Inner Six-Year-Old approached me with a song request. It happened atabout 3:46 in the afternoon, a few minutes after I decided to wash dishes. I sometimes play music videos posted on some of the YouTube channels I’m subscribed to just to distract myself as I work. While I scrubbed dried streaks of food off soapy dishes me and my housemate/best friend Diana* used the night prior, I listened to whatever video I clicked on. Though I have an eclectic taste in music, I mostly listen to the Oldies or Oldies songs remixed with heavy base and perfectly layered beats.

The Oldie playing through my iPad speaker was called “Got My Mind Set on You” performed by someone named James Ray. I’ve never heard of this artist, but I wondered if the song was like the one that was released in the late Eighties. Only oneway to find out, I thought. I clicked on the video and quickly skipped thead to listen to the singer the site introduced me to. Sure enough, it was the same song that was released by none other than George Harrison, the late lead guitarist of one of my favorite British Pop bands, the Beatles. I’d later find out that James Ray originally recorded “I Got My Mind Set on You” in the 1960s during the height of his career as a Black R&B singer. Until then, the Pop Rock version Harrison released in 1987 was the only one I was familiar with.

As I pulled a dirty coffee mug out of the black bucket flooded with hot water and soap suds, Meeka suddenly materialized in my mind’s eye. This version of me was a flesh-and-bone child when the music video for Harrison’s “I Got My Mind Set on You” premiered on VH1 in 1987. They watched the video on their grandmother Loraine’s* television. Meeka loved the impressive collection of books lined on shelves that nearly touched the ceiling. They loved the mounted animal trophies and a caged parrot bopping to the sounds of instruments. And they loved the sound of George Harrison’s voice, not yet recognizing that the musician performing was the lead guitarist of The Beatles.

Unbeknownst to this version of me, they are a future Beatles fan. The Fab Four are just a few musicians from the British Invasion era they’ll listen to. The Dave Clark Five. The Honeycombs. Peter and Gordon. The Animals. The Kinks. The Hollies. As Meeka ages, they’ll discover Donna Summer. The Bee Gees. Three Dog Night. ABBA. They’ll float towards Techno Swing. Eighties One-Hit Wonders. This will be the kind of music Meeka will listen to behind their Christian mother’s back until they move out at age nineteen in the middle of a summer night. Long story short, Meeka loved music that activates their body. And it was his version that My Inner Six-Year-Old wanted to hear again.

Their unadulterated joy caused their mouth to fall open as their widened eyes landed onto me. I wanna listen to the one with George Harrison, Meeka requested, their tone brimming with untamed excitement. Can we listen to it pleeeeese?

Of course we can, I silently replied as I dropped one of the clean forks into one of the utensil compartments inside the dishwasher, feeling my lips curl into a warm smile. Let me listen to this one first and then when it’s over, we can play the George Harrison one. I’ll give you my word.     

Ok.

My Inner Child waited patiently as I continued to scrub our dishes before placing them in our dishwasher, lightly bopping my head the original recording of “Got My Mind Set on You” that I, Louis, discovered by chance and gladly enjoyed. Soon after the R&B artist sang his last word, I switched on the version of the same song Meeka watched on VH1 back in 1987. The moment they heard the boom ta boom ta boom boom boom at the beginning of the video, their body would automatically begin to sway to the music. Through my mind’s eye I watched my Inner Six-Year-Old twirl and clap and move, their movements amalgamating with every beat as if they themself was a rhythm. Their rhythm would soon send a wave of exhilaration through my body, jolting it into motion. My hips swished from side to side as I fed dishes to the dishwasher.

We danced until the unified instrumental and the Quiet Beatle faded behind a screen of darkness. With their emotional and energetic cup filled to the brim with satisfaction, Meeka thanked me. The child went on to vanish as swiftly as they appeared, returning to the subconscious region of my brain where they now live.

I shared this moment between me and my Inner Six-Year-Old to demonstrate the results of the work I’ve been doing in Adult Children of Alcoholics Anonymous (ACA). I’ve only been in the program for about two years (it’ll be three years in December 2024), yet I’ve already been noticing some of the solutions unfolding in my life. I’m always going to be in the process of learning about my Inner People and have a long way to go. But this wholesome experience was the beginning of many breakthroughs.

But another reason for sharing this story was to introduce you to my Inner Alternative Black child.

Understanding The Alt Black Youth We Were

In his beautifully written essay “Color Outside the Lines: My Experience as an ‘Alternative’ Black Man,” Self-Transformation Activist and Blogger Michael Sinclair defines Alternative Black people as:

Based on Sinclair’s definition, Alternative Black or Alt Black people are a subgroup within the African Diaspora that don’t align with the stereotypical portrayals of Blackness. In fact, those who consider themselves Alt Black vehemently reject cultural stereotypes. They instead gravitate towards interests, hobbies, or styles of dress, ideologies, and lifestyle choices that aren’t typically associated with or popularized by the Black mainstream culture.

Recently I’ve been investigating the complexities of my childhood through Adult Children of Alcoholic Anonymous (ACA). I’m an Alt Black Person. From a young age, music and a vintage-inspired aesthetic were expressions of art that granted me opportunities to celebrate my authentic self. My body transformed into a home whenever I slipped my pair of Converse sneakers over sock covered feet, perfectly complimenting my pair of blue jeans and t-shirt. And if I wasn’t listening to Fats Domino’s “My Blue Heaven", then it was “Real, Real, Real” by Jesus Jones or Army of Lovers’ “Crucified” streaming into my ears. My identity as a genderless transmasculine person was (and still is) an expression of my Alt Blackness, as both identities are a part of my essence as a human being.

One’s decision to embrace their Alt Blackness is empowering. However, there comes an expense. Contrary to our White counterparts, Black people aren’t normally allowed to be even slightly unorthodox. Any form of self-expression that could cast unwanted attention towards our family automatically caught the side eye. This is especially the case for those surrounded by dysfunctional family members. Black children are taught to minimize themselves to shield the family from embarrassment, shame, and/or adversity. This mentality is historical and generational in nature (which is something I will discuss later on).

Numerous of us Black members of ACA who are Alt Black people weren’t granted the liberty to enjoy our preferred activities with impunity. Members of the program—or Black Fellow Travelers—experienced flashbacks exposing dysfunctional relatives criticizing our means of self-expression. Because of the psychological and emotional consequences that followed, the Black Fellow Travelers’ recovery journey revolves around gradually rediscovering our True Selves or who we were before our encounters with abuse.

For me, the purpose of undergoing my healing journey as an Alternative Black person in ACA is to work towards reconnecting with my Inner Alt Black Child and Teen. The necessary steps to repair our relationship involve me unlearning thenegative views about weirdness I’ve internalized. This includes decolonizing my mindset around the manners in which I’ve expressed my authenticity.

My Alt Blackness wasn’t encouraged by my family--especially since I presented as female at the time. I was assigned female at birth and was therefore expected to follow the societal screenplay written exclusively for cis Black women and girls. This screenplay had been continuously revised and edited by many global pens overused by those who uphold Eurocentric ideologies. And it both confused and aggravated me because I was uninterested in being gendered. I enjoyed being weird. I recall how I outwardly expressed myself. I remember the genres of music I listened to, the television shows I watched, and the types of books I read were all signifiers for the kind of person I was. At the same time, I have stored inside my subconscious mind recollections of the many times I faced scrutiny from relatives within my dysfunctional familial community. Because of my interests, I was described as strange or heavily influenced by White culture.

This wasn’t the case. I couldn’t be anything else other than weird and honestly held no desire to shapeshift for others. Yet my unwillingness and inability to conform/assimilate was met with unwarranted abuse. The overall anguish this part of me sustained throughout my childhood was why I wish to reclaim my Alt Blackness. This necessary step in my liberation involves reconnecting with my Inner Alt Black Child and Teen. And I start this process by examining the multiple forms of discrimination I encountered from my family as Alt Black child.

Discrimination in the Dysfunctional Black Family

For years, I've carried heavy recollections ofen countering multiple forms of discrimination that ranged from name-calling to emotional assault. My narratives normally described how our emotionally stunted relatives made derogatory comments about us whenever I did or said something that was considered different. Or how they claimed that my preferred style of dress and spiritual/religious beliefs and practices were a poor reflection of the entire family.

Another theme in my stories was the burden of proof. Many Black Fellow Travelers/Alt Black people might have memories of contending with White gatekeepers of music subcultures and scenes. Of having to showcase our authenticity as fans of genres such as Punk, Grunge, Rave, and many others that originated in Black culture. Amongst dysfunctional family members, however, it was the commitment to our Black identity that was doubted. Our personal choices in fashion, music, and activities aren’t normally associated with or popularized by neither our family nor the Black mainstream culture.

Like most Black Fellow Travelers/Alt Black people, I was uninterested in adopting aspects of mainstream Blackness just to simply prove ourselves. Even at the risk of being the recipient of community violence at the hands of other Black and White peers at school and/or in my neighborhood, I seldom had the desire to change for others. I was comfortable with my unique presentation of Alt Blackness. However, the comfort I had in my own skin didn’t matter to my dysfunctional familial community. I was expected to represent the family’s perception of Blackness and Black culture. Anything that deviated from what they perceived as the norm was subjected to accusations of wanting to be White.

Living in a conservative Black Christian household made my situation worse. My Alt Black identity and all that it entailed were treated like a psychological or moral affliction that would infect others if activated. I often came under suspicions of being in covenant with Satan. Secular music, activities, and certain types of clothing were strictly prohibited. And any attempts to engage with any of them were subjected to punishment that involved (but not limited to):

• Loss of basic resources such stable housing 
• Excessive attendance to and engagement in church-related activities  
• Forceful removal from the public school system  
• Forced isolation from the outside world 
• Severe punishment, including corporal punishment    

This type of upbringing was insufferable. I was obligated to fabricate a persona that was totally different from my Alt Blackness I aligned withto assure my survival inside a hostile environment. The strict Christian-centered rules were just as unbearable because I was forbidden to do anything I wanted. So I continuously indulged in my preferred ways of life in secret.

My mother, a Born-Again Christian, forbade secular music played in the house. My brothers and I weren’t allowed to do much to begin with. But anything pertaining to secularism was completely out of the question. Classical and Gospel were the only genres that didn’t threaten the sanctity of our souls according to Mom.               

      So imagine her reaction when she found out I became a Beatles fan. Mom was one of a handful of my more consistent qualifiers (or the reason I joined the ACA program). The forms of abuse I sustained from her were normally physical, verbal in nature. But religious abuse was also something she resorted to as an attempt to convert me into the Christian child she's always wanted. She knew I cared about certain activities, listening to The Beatles being one of them. So, she’d use that against me fully acknowledging the amount of emotional and psychological distress that would cause. I remember her attempting to throw my cassette tapes away (which I rescued before she could. I still have them, by the way).

But the worst incident was being attacked at my grandmother’s house after I confronted her for tossing my copy of The Beatles Illustrated Lyrics book. As she and my aunt Beatrice* screamed atand over each other about her lunging at me, my grandmother Loraine sat quietly on the couch, slightly cowering while never taking her sights off my mother. It was as if she anticipated witnessing another assault or being the victim of one. Even as I write this, the Inner Sixteen-Year-Old version of Meeka came through. They are riddled with guilt because they seriously believe that they were at fault for all that transpired at their grandmother’s house that day. But I immediately informed this Inner Teen version of myself that they weren’t at fault. That the strict rules their mother enforced were psychologically and emotionally harmful. And it was inevitable that my Inner Teen was going to rebel. Meeka didn’t deserve physical assault.

There are more stories like this that linger inside of this single body. And living within these harrowing recollections are versions of the person I once was, a handful of them blaming themselves for much of the abuse they’ve suffered. My personal stories demonstrate how many of us Black Fellow Travelers/Alt Black Adults have been mistreated while living in a dysfunctional familial community governed by conservative Black Christianity.

Why Our Families Put Us Through It

The Black FellowTravelers/Alt Black people working towards reconnecting with our Inner Alt Black Child and Teen want to get to the underlying cause of the mistreatment we received. What was it about our unique personality traits and presentation of our authentic self that unnerved our relatives? The answer to that question lies in the foundations of White Eurocentric standards of beauty and the Black community indoctrination into those standards.

White supremacy is a form of psychological terrorism that focuses on othering demographics deemed undesirable. It encourages colonizers to convince marginalized people to emulate Whiteness and White people because both are the epitome of a civilized culture. The Black community in particular has been indoctrinated into White supremacy by being made to believe that everything about us, our spiritual practices, and our cultural norms was unacceptable. Ugly. White supremacists used this deplorable tactic to psychologically control the Black population. This tactic includes policing the manners in which we express ourselves authentically. For centuries, the way we showcased our authenticity had been under constant surveillance because we expected to conform and strive towards assimilation.

This means that Black people has been manipulated into forfeiting our cultural and societal norms to align with unrealistic beauty standards measured by White culture and Whiteness in general. This impossible task has also forced us to trade in our creativity and expression of Blackness for the hope to achieve the Eurocentric perception of normalcy. This brand of normalcy calls for Black people to not bring any attention to themselves. Or display anything that reflects innovation and creativity unless it’s for the benefit of further advancing Whiteness.

Meanwhile, White people don’t hold themselves to the cultural standards they have impressed upon Black people. While the Black community continuously harms itself attempting to achieve the impossible for the sake of survival, White people grant themselves the opportunity and liberty to be unorthodox. They can create art pieces featuring distorted bodies or write novels about hobbits. They can drape themselves from head to foot in Gothic attire. They can practice witchcraft while naked in the woods. They can be polyamorous and/or queer. White people have the privilege to absorb a vast amount of space while engaging in activities, behaviors, and ways of life that Black folks would be judged for.

This lack of opportunity to be ourselves without scrutiny or persecution has placed many Black folks in the position to fear unorthodoxy. In the minds of Black people, it is normally White people who indulge in those “strange” activities and ways of being. Over time, being unconventional has become “White folks’ shit.” In other words, weirdness is conflated with Whiteness and thus something to steer clear of. This is one of the reasons why so many of us aren’t known to entertain certain behaviors and activities. For instance, ghost hunting is something that many Black folks do engage in. Or listening to Goth music.

Unfortunately, this mentality is a psychological trap that has the Black community in bondage. It gives credence to respectability politics—another by-product of White supremacy. Respectability politics has been the bane of Black Fellow Travelers’/Alt Black peoples’ existence. Because now every time Alt Black adults attempt to be themselves, they are immediately informed in some way that Black people aren’t supposed to engage in such behavior or express themselves in a certain way. This is all due to us being subjected to a level of policing that usually manifests into some form of abuse throughout our youth.

These are only some of the issues that many of us Black Fellow Travelers struggled through as Alt Black youth. And it was due to these experiences that we would gradually transition into adults who’ve become increasingly uncomfortable of standing out. Or worse, being described as different to the extent of either ostracized or subjected to death. At the same time, we knew that there was more to our personality. That, when around the right people, we engaged in some of the very activities or wore an article of clothing or accessory that made us feel at home in our skin. As we navigated the nature of our discombobulated past in the ACA program, our mind conjured up memories of our relatives resorting to deplorable tactics to stifle and even strip us of Alt Black identity. It was at this point in our recovery that reconnected with the Inner Alt Black kid, who is the representative of our True Selves.

Reconnecting with Our Inner Alt Black Youth

I discussed the troubles we Black Fellow Travelers have gone through to express our Alt Blackness. But now that we’re in ACA recovery and have the desire to reconnect with our Inner Alt Black Youth, what steps can we take to do so? Here are some that I recommend:

• Introduce yourself to them   

This step is important because they simply may not know you. Being stuck in survival mode for an extended period had placed a long separation between you and your Inner Parts/Inner Children. To them, you’re simply another adult or another peer that will cast judgment for being different or attempt to change them.

Writing a letter to our Inner Alt Black child or teen is one effective approach. If you have access to any of your old childhood photos, talking to a picture of ourselves is another method many Black Fellow Travelers use to communicate with the child and teen we once were. Calling out to your Inner Alt Black youth during meditation is another form of communication you can use to connect with your Inner Child. Then there’s also journaling and forms of literature such as poetry and graphic novels you can create as a way of introducing yourself.

I highly recommend this ritual Black Fellow Travelers who trans and non-binary. Introducing oneself is especially important because you will be interacting with an Inner Alt Black Youth/Inner Part who will be appearing as who we were pre-transition. Regardless of the outcome of your transition journey, your Inner Alt Black Youth may not know you simply because you are an entirely different person in some way.

• Engage in one of their favorite activities

This is another way to rekindle a relationship with your Inner Alt Black Youth is to reclaim an activity that your Inner Alt Black Youth. If they enjoyed playing video games, ask them what type of games they indulged in. Or maybe they have a favorite band or genre of music they listened to. Sometimes, your Inner Alt Black Youth may materialize in your mind’s eyes wearing the type of outfit that reflects the Alt Black subculture of which they are a part. Or what they wanted to wear during their reality but weren’t allowed to. Whatever the interest may be, do what you can to find out more about and then engage if possible.

My Inner Six-Year-Old, for instance, loves George Harrison’s "I Got My Mind Set on You." The Inner 15-Year-Old version of me loves listening to The Beatles and requests certain songs for me to play on YouTube. When I was growing up in my mother’s home, I wasn’t allowed to listen to secular music out in the open. But as an adult—an adult in recovery—I’m far enough removed from my qualifier to assure my Inner Children that they are safe with me and that they will not be punished if they start dancing.

• Start an interview with your Inner Alt Black Youth

‘Getting to Know Your Parts: A Step-by-Step Guide to Protector Interviews’ by Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapist Sanni Kujala is the reason I highly recommend this ritual. Interviewing your Inner Alt Black Child and Teen will allow you to become better acquainted with the young person you once were. During this experience, you can find the underlying cause of your Inner Part’s emotional state or innermost thoughts. Furthermore, you will gain knowledge what hurts them the most and the issues that make them angry, sad, joyful, or suspicious of others and you.

Due to operating in survival mode for most of your lives, the adult version of you was forced to essentially sever almost all connections with any thought of having a healthy childhood. This caused many Black Fellow Travelers and other Black survivors of Complex Childhood Trauma to abandon their authentic identity to survive a dysfunctional home environment. Meanwhile, your Inner Alt Black Child and Teen have emotional scars around this separation, but questions of their own as well as words about the matter.

The sole purpose of the interviewing process is to cultivate a relationship with your Inner Alt Black Child and Teen. For the adult version of you to show your Inner Part that not only do you genuinely want to learn more about them, but that you have no ulterior motive. I recommend doing one interview a day. Even if they don’t appear, keep trying because consistency demonstrates that your intentions are pure.

• Learn about the Alt Black History movement

If you’ve infused the Afrocentric recovery into your trauma healing work, you may find this recommendation extremely valuable. Studying the history of the Alt Black movement will highlight the fact that Alt Blackness has always existed. That the influence of music and fashion is threaded through our African heritage. And that these art forms have always been used by Black people as symbols of defiance against the status quo—especially queer Black artists like Harlem Renaissance Blues lesbian icon Gladys Bentley. In many cases, Black artists have been the originators of the art form itself.

Also, this also gives your Inner Alt Black youth the opportunity to learn about Alt Black people! Since the resurgence of the Alt Black movement, you can find Alt Black people on social media platforms like TikTok. Alt Black people like babydollmania, roxxyhaze, and ms_cazxoxo are available to illustrate for us Black Fellow Travelers and our Inner Alt Black Youth the variations of the Alt Black aesthetic. As far as music, artists such as rapper Rico Nasty, UK sister-duo ALT BLK ERA, and De’Wayne of Yeahdewayne have albums on Spotify and other online platforms. It is on these platforms that people are interested in learning more about Alt Blackness can gather information about its history and what it entails.

• Gas Them Up

Of all of the suggestions listed, this is the most important one. Please do everything to let your Inner Alt Black Child and Teen know how extremely awesome they are. They are the reason why the adult version of you is interesting. They are the reason why you are capable of thinking outside of the box. They are the reason why you have an impeccable taste in clothes. This Inner Alt Black Youth is a divine part of you. They are divinity.

I especially mean this for the queer Black Fellow Travelers reading this (or any Alt Black people in recovery). Just as you have, your Inner Alt Black Child/Teen comes from a long line of ancestors who would be described as weird by today’s unrealistic beauty standards. Please allow yourself to embrace your weirdness and encourage your Inner Alt Black Youth to do the very same. Part of the journey of reconnecting with them is granting them the space and security to show up as their authentic selves. Long story short, decolonize weirdness in the manner that you see fit.

• Decolonize Weirdness

Alternative Blackness is a subgroup of Black folks that gravitate towards activities, hobbies, and styles of dress that don’t align with Black mainstream culture. Many of us Black Fellow Travelers were Alt Black kids growing up and we loved and embraced who we were. Unfortunately, we were surrounded by relatives in our dysfunctional familial community who didn’t appreciate our uniqueness. This unwarranted mistreatment involved us facing scrutiny and ostracization. For most of us Black Fellow Travelers/Alt Black people, the sting lasted well into our adulthood.

But through our ACA recovery, we can reverse the damage that resulted from the emotional and psychological consequences from the trauma we sustained during childhood. As we do the work necessary, we can encourage our Inner Alt Black Child/Teen to come forward. Showing up for them consistently demonstrates for them that we will be a safe space for them. And together, we can decolonize weirdness by allowing ourselves to reclaim it.

In what ways would you reconnect with your Inner Alternative Black Kid?

Be sure to thoughts in the comments!
(I respond very quickly, by the way)

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